


gone

by ivywritess



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), infinity war - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Death, Depression, F/M, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 08:55:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14891510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivywritess/pseuds/ivywritess
Summary: it was supposed to be a day filled with peers and peter, but when did anything ever go according to plan?(or in which you wait for peter as he leaves to space.)





	gone

**Author's Note:**

> hello, here’s a one shot for bionic-buckyb ‘s 8k angst writing challenge. my prompt was: 
> 
> “this isn’t something urgent, but please know that i love you and always will, okay?”
> 
> “no, no, no, this is not happening. stop it. stop it!” 
> 
> enjoy and leave a review please!
> 
> oh, and the ringtone for peter is a song called lucky by jason mraz ft. ximena sariñana.

The sky was blue and the bus was filled with your peers and you could hear Peter's soft snores. He was adorable and it made your heart flutter all the more as you stared at his peaceful expression. 

 

Swiping his cowlick away, you tucked it into a large clump of his curls and kissed his forehead before you rested back against him and closed your eyes, his breathing lulling you to sleep. 

 

Your eyes snapped open immediately as you felt him jolt awake. 

 

He was wide-eyed and you were absolutely sure that you weren't imagining how quickly his chest rose and fell. 

 

He gave you a shaky smile before he got up and looked out the dusty window. He looked away to look behind himself and then his eyes met yours. 

 

You knew that look, knew it well. His eyes would always go into this molten brown color and his gaze would be serious and guilt-ridden. 

 

Peter Parker may be yours, but Spider-Man, Spider-Man was one of Earth's mightiest heroes. 

 

In this moment, Peter Parker was gone and in his stead was Spider-Man. 

 

He gathered you into his arms and you relished in his warmth. He pulled away and leaned in and kissed you, hard and fast. 

 

You sat back down and gave him his backpack as he tapped Ned's shoulder. 

 

"Ned.. Hey, I need you to cause a distraction." 

 

You watched as Ned's eyes became starry and his lips quirk up in a smile before in a complete panic yelled, "We're all gonna die! There's a spaceship! Oh my god!" He ran to the back, successfully causing a commotion and just as Peter was about to fly out the window, he paused and looked at you. 

 

 _Go. Come back soon._ You mouthed and like that, he nodded and he was gone. 

 

* * *

 

God, was it so fucking terrifying to watch as Peter was slammed by the aliens and you were so fucking grateful that Tony was with him. 

 

Your phone was nearing its last limb, 12%, and you just needed it long enough for Peter to come back. You had never been more glad to have Verizon as you watched the news with little to no problems. 

 

The image was rough but it showed just enough and you caught the gist of what was going on. 

 

Then suddenly, the app crashed, or was it the source and you began to panic. 

 

Your breathing elevated, oxygen becoming harder to intake, and as you counted out quietly, your nails dug into your thighs, the jeans you wore not even lessening the pain. 

 

As you calmed yourself down, you looked over to Ned, who was staring intently on his phone. It was like he had a sixth sense because just as you looked his way, his eyes locked with yours and he came over. 

 

"Hey, it's gonna be okay. Peter will be fine like he always is, beaten up, bruised ego and all." You let out a laugh and it might be a bit hysterical but he doesn't mention it. 

 

"Okay. Okay," It's more of a mantra than an actual reassurance but it'll do the job. 

 

It's silent for moments, minutes, hours it feels, before your phone goes off in that cheesy ringtone. 

 

 

_Suerte que despierto junto a ti_

 

_Suerte que senti lo que senti_

 

_Suerte que regresas para mi_

 

 

You pick up and look at Ned and he nods and walks away. 

 

"Sweetheart? Peter?" There's a vague coughing sound an your heart is pounding. You wouldn't be surprised if he could heart through the phone with how deafening it was.

 

"Hi, love. How are you doing right now?" It's obvious he has something he wants to say so you answer it quickly, knowing that once you're done, he'll tell you. 

 

"A little worried for my heroic boyfriend but that's it, and yourself?" Again, he coughs and you want him to stop because panic runs through your veins and your palms are getting sweatier with every second he stalls. 

 

"Imayormaynothaveboardedthealienship, _please_ don'tbemad." It's a jumbled mess but you're attuned to his ramblings so when what he said finally filters in your head, you're hyperventilating. 

 

_I may or may not have boarded the alien ship, please don't be mad._

 

You run out of the building you're in and watch as the ship goes higher and higher into the sky. 

 

"Oh my God, Peter," your voice is shaky, no doubt, "Peter, please come back, _please_. I don't want you to get hurt." 

 

"I'll be fine, promise darling. Besides, I'm with Tony and this cool wizard dude, who we have to save." 

 

"Peter, god. Promise me that you'll come home to me, _please_." 

 

"I will. I will." You had always told him that repetition grounded you but in this case, it did nothing the quell the terrible feeling you felt about this. 

 

There's a crash and you hear him scream and you're gripping your phone and you're so _fucking_ _scared_ \- terrified, really - of what's happening. You can taste the salt in the air before you feel the tears fall from your eyes. 

 

"Peter?! Peter, are you alright?! Love, answer me." You can hear the static begin to take over the other side, signaling how far up he is. 

 

"I'm here. I'm here. I'm fine." You sigh and the hand gripping your shoulder drops to your side but the tears don't stop, you never could control them. The static is even louder now but you don't want to hang up, you can't bring yourself to.

 

" **This isn't something urgent, but please know that I love you and always will, okay?** " His voice is soft and vulnerable and the sound of it brings you to your knees. The words stab into your heart, painfully but quickly. 

 

The white noise is blaring now - taking over everything. You can barely hear his sharp intakes of breath but it's there and you're so glad to hear it. 

 

"Peter, you just can't-" And like that, your phone dies. You scream out and it was like someone turned the handle because now the tears wouldn't stop and they only worsened. 

 

"No, no, no. That did not just happen. No!" 

 

You vaguely feel arms wrap around your waist and pull you into them, but you do smell the fresh and lemony scent of Ned and that's all it takes for you to wrap your arms around his neck. 

 

"He-he-he... He's gonna be fine. He's gonna be fine. He said he'd come back home, _to me._ He _promised_." There's a tightness in your chest and you wonder why it's suddenly so hard to breathe. 

 

"Come on, let it all out..." You want to sink into the ground as your hands leave him and grip at your face and then there's a drop. 

 

_Drip._

 

_Splash._

 

_Drip. Splash. Drip._

 

You hadn't noticed that the clouds had covered the sun because the only thing that was on your mind was _your sun_ , that yellow sunny boy whom you _loved to pieces_ but _tore himself to pieces_ when going in too many different directions. 

 

"I just him to be safe in my arms. Is that too much to ask for?" 

 

"No, but he wouldn't allow that, not when he's able to make a difference. If there's a chance to save the world, he'd take it." And you knew that, he'd proven it many, many times but that didn't stop you from wishing that just this once would he allow himself to be selfish. 

 

"He might _die_ up there." There's a severity in your voice that you don't know how you mustered up in your tears and sadness. 

"He's too stubborn for that and plus, he's with Mr. Stark right?" You nod your head and you can feel the droplets mix in with your tears. "He _will_ keep him safe." 

You can only hope he does. 

"Let's go inside before we get sick, I'm sure that our supervisor is wondering where we are." He picks you up from the ground and holds you from the shoulders as he guides you in. 

Looking up at the sky once more, a litany leaves your lips, hushed and subdued. 

 

* * *

 

The world is in a panic - it could burn and you probably wouldn't even notice - and you just watch as everyone goes along in a tizzy. 

 

Tony Stark is declared missing but you know that he's somewhere up in space, Peter with him. You faintly wonder if Ms. Potts is in the same spot you're in. 

 

 _Probably_ , but she's Tony's fiancé. You're just Peter's girlfriend. Nothing more, nothing less. 

 

And yes, you've known Peter since middle school, two peas in a pod, but that doesn't mean much compared to the years that Pepper has been with him. 

 

In general, you realize, pain is relative. She's probably used to this, she's been doing for a decade or close to it. You're not. 

 

You can't possibly begin to imagine what's happening right now and maybe that's why you haven't slept yet. 

 

You miss him and it's irrational because he's going to be _fine_ and he'll come and wrap his arms around you and his scent would be in the air, not just lingering as it does on his hoodie you're wearing. 

 

The air is crisp with the scent of coconut and sandalwood but it's dominated by the smell of salt, your tears. 

 

You reason that it's okay to cry because this time is _different_. He's in space and he can't reassure you that he's _fine_ and maybe that's what make things feel _off_. 

 

However, there's something else, something that makes you on _edge_ -

 

 _you just don't know what._  

 

* * *

 

The news is on and there's a shitty video of a cyan blue barrier falling and suddenly there's _a fucking palace_ and then there's so many _creatures_ rushing in and you grip your thighs due to the anxiety that fills you. 

 

Earth's Mightiest Heroes are there, it reads but that's unapologetically wrong because Peter Parker, Spider-Man, and Iron Man aren't there. You hope - _just this once_ \- that the heroes win. 

 

( _you would wish you hadn't. your luck always had been crap._ )

 

The agony you feel as you watch everything transpire on the blurry footage is so fucking terrible because Peter knows these people - he's fought with them, bled with them, laughed with some of them. You don't want these people to die, not when Peter adores them and your mind shifts to him. 

 

Your mind is filled to the brim with thoughts of what he's doing and _wow_ , you're welcomed with wide open arms into the pit of despair you've become acquainted to these past few days. 

 

"-has arrived! You heard me correct! Thor has arrived and with quite blast if I do say so myself" You quickly snap out of your daze and you see Thor - Peter's guy crush - and his eyes are radiating with lightning as is the rest of his body and you think, _now, this is a  g o d._

 

The _things_ go down in an instant and you swear that everybody still standing on that field shivered.

 

The fighting comes to a halt and all goes still and there's a shift in the video and a huge fucking purple guy is on the field and the footage is cut. 

 

Your breathing quickens and you're just so fucking done with how you are. 

 

It's a instinct for humans to panic, but no, you and your damned subconscious had to take a step further, your mind going a million miles a minute. You can feel your hands get sweaty and you rub them against your jean-clad leg. 

 

You move from your bed and start to pace back and forth. You're not even sure why but it's like you said, an instinct. 

 

As you're driving yourself mad, you don't notice how the recording goes back up again and you certainly don't see how everyone is losing against the purple fucking villain. 

 

And it's moments later, minutes really, when you hear the screaming. It's coming from all around and you don't know what's going on and you're already so fucking terrified. 

 

"Baby girl! Are you alright?" You look to your door and you see your-

 

She's falling and there's a sense on panic on her face and your eyes widen as you see her skin fading into little specks of dust. 

 

"Honey..?" And like that, she's gone, crumbling into nothingness, nothing but ashes left in her wake. 

 

You scream but you don't know where it begins or where it ends as it intermingles with the rest if the world's.

 

* * *

 

 

It's late at night but that doesn't mean anything when regarding sleep; sleep just alludes you after all.

 

After watching _her_ die, you call your friends and family. None answer and no one comes home.

 

You're alone, _completely and utterly_   a  l  o  n  e. 

 

No one is coming home to you and you want to say- 

 

_you're   f  i  n  e._

 

But the reality of it is that you're _not_. 

 

No one is left alive and it's _tearing_ you apart. 

 

There's no tears left to cry and maybe it's because you're dehydrated - you haven't drank water or anything for the past day and food was always a bit too hard to swallow down-

 

 

Ring. Ring. Ring. 

 

 

It's funny how fast you fly out of your restroom to your phone, hilarious really. 

 

You don't either bother to look at the caller I.D. address, you just pick it up, and this time it's fully charged.

 

"Hello?" God, is your voice shaky and rough.

 

"Sweetie, can you hear me? It's me," a voice calls our and you know in that exact moment who it is on the other side and you hold back a sob of relief, "May. Peter's aunt."

 

"I can, May." There's a breath of relief that leaves her and it's silent in that second before she says something else.

 

"Do you know where he is? Last I had heard of him was a cryptid message. I wasn't able to pick up the call and it was all very rushed. He told me something along the lines of: this isn't something urgent-" Your heart is racing but you interrupt her all the same. 

 

"but please know that I love you and always will, okay?" Her breath hitches and you wonder if she's biting her thumb, she always does when she's on edge. 

 

"How'd you know?" Her voice is breathy and you're sure she can hear your frantic heartbeat. 

 

"Because he said the same to me." And she's crying and you can't help but follow. 

 

"You know where he's at, don't you?" You nod your head but you know she can't see it but words are failing you. 

 

"Yes." Your voice breaks. 

 

"Please tell me. I want the truth." 

 

( _the truth hurts, don't you know?_ )

 

"He's-he's up there, um, with Tony."

 

"He was in that spacecraft when it went up, wasn't he?" 

 

Again, you nod but it's not seen. 

 

"He was." And maybe your hearing isn't great as Spider-Man's, but you're sure you can hear her heart break, shatter really. 

_"He's gone, isn't he?"_

 

Her voice flips the switch to the waterworks. 

 

_Because she has to be wrong, right?_

 

Peter is strong and he's a fucking ray of sunshine and- he can't be dead- 

 

no, not ever. 

and like that- maybe, just maybe - you die a little inside.

 

Your phone drops from your hand and you   _s   c   r   e   a   m._

 

* * *

 

 

Arms wrap around your shoulders and pull you in and it's such a familiar connotation. 

 

It's so _Peter-ish._

 

"Peter..?" 

 

Someone sobs and chokes out and you know-

 

_it's not him._

 

It's not _Peter._

 

"It's May, sweetie." 

 

"I'm sorry, _so sorry._ "

 

"I am too. I am too." 

 

It's silent as she holds you and you hate it. 

 

The silent means that you're alone but you know that you're not. 

 

Because now, you have May, May _Parker_. 

 

* * *

 

May had forced you to eat and drink water and you're kinda grateful she did because you feel better-

 

just a little.

 

She's taken you away from your home and back to hers and you're grateful she did because now you won't wander around aimlessly as memories play on repeat of your family but-

 

this is home too and memories of a curly haired boy with a smile brighter than the sun itself filled your mind and softened your heart. 

 

But that's okay because it's not confirmed that he's-

 

Well, you can't bring yourself to say it. 

 

Besides, at the moment, he's most likely bothering Tony and Tony is probably sighing and pinching his nose like he does when he gets annoyed. Peter would then-

 

 

_Suerte que despierto junto a ti_

 

_Suerte que senti lo que senti_

 

_Suerte que regresas para mi_

 

You pick up immediately and there's a mega-watt smile on your face as you say," Peter! I'm so glad you're okay! I'm with May and-"

 

"Kid, I'm so sorry." With that said, you fall apart once again.

 

You're a right mess and you're bawling your eyes out, your body wracked with whimpers and you try your hardest to quiet yourself, to let Tony continue and to not wake up May. 

 

"I'm sorry. I couldn't do anything and," Tony takes a deep breath and you're so familiar with it - that is, holding back a sob - and he says, "he just-"

 

"He didn't die in battle; it was... he disintegrated, didn't he?" 

 

Tony chokes and he lets out an airy breath and you   h   a   t   e how familiar these actions are to you. 

 

"Yes, and I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to stop it. I tried. I really did." His voice is falling apart and you can actually _hear_ his heart beat. 

 

"I trust you. I do. It just _hurts_ , you know?" You imagine your hero to nod his head as he tries to keep his strong façade up but you know that sooner or later he'll break and _God_ will it be agonistic. 

 

"I'm sorry... I really am."

 

Silence takes over, but not really because you're crying and he's holding it back. 

 

"Do you want me to tell May or do you want to?" His voice has never sounded so weak as it does in that very moment and you know that if he tells her, he'll far apart and he might not make it past that point. 

 

"I'll do it in the morning." Both don't mention how it's already morning; 5 a.m. the clock reads.

 

"Okay and thank you." He hangs up and you feel empty. 

 

Peter is gone-

 

Peter is _dead_.

 

Your light was extinguished and-

 

_you don't what to feel because everyone you love is gone._

 

May is still here but she's just a reminder of a boy who is gone, who shouldn't be gone

. 

As for you, you're also just a reminder of that boy because there was never an instance where you two were far apart-

 

_and everything just hurts._

 

You're not as quiet as you tried to be because May is there, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and leaning on the doorframe and she's yet to look at you and you don't know what to do. 

 

"Sweetie," she says, oh so softly, "what can I do to help?" She doesn't ask what's wrong and that kind of makes it worse. 

 

You're shaking, you know that, but she doesn't, not yet. 

 

"He's gone, May. Peter is dead." Your voice must be the switch that turns her mind on because she looks at you like a deer in headlights. 

 

" **No, no, no, this is _not_ happening. Stop it. Stop it!** " She pulls at her hair and she begins to fall but you catch her and then she's latching onto you as she sobs, cries, weeps, and all that's in between. 

 

"I'm sorry, May. So sorry. Tony --he said that Peter disappeared, he wasn't killed, he faded like most did." It makes her bawl harder and her nails grip into your back, but it's okay because it makes you feel _something_. Even if it's only pain. 

 

"Then that means," May has to take a breath in order to continue, "that it was painless, right?" 

 

And you want to yes, to make her feel better, but you don't think it's true. 

 

_(the truth hurts, but it's better to tell it than a lie. if anything, omit the truth; let them read between the lines.)_

 

"I can't say for certain, but with the speculation that's been going around, it shouldn't have." She lets out a small breath of relief and you decide not to tell her of his spidey-senses. 

 

"He's not coming back." It hits her again and she's crying again and you just hold her. You stay strong for her because _what happens if the both of you remain shattered?_

 

* * *

 

 

The water hitting you is ice cold, by choice, and it feels nice. It makes you shiver and for once, it's not from crying. 

 

It's the only time where you allow yourself to cry because you can't cry in front of May, you _can't_. 

 

It seems like you're the only thing holding her together, she's lost so much already, and with Peter gone, it's her entire world. 

 

Besides, your losses could never compare to her own, not really. You're young, what would you know about loss?

 

_(everything, you lost everyone, all at once.)_

 

It's loud enough to conceal your sobbing and with loud enough music, your screaming, but you already knew that. You had known it for years, but now it was being implemented back into use. 

 

Your mind wanders to Peter and his-

 

His senses always alerted him to the danger he was, it gave him a sense of what was to come.

 

Since, he-

 

Since _that_ happened, did that mean he felt it before it happened?

 

And what about his healing factor? Did it stall _that?_

 

Oh God, what if it made _that_ more painful? 

 

Your mind filled with the 'what ifs?' and more. 

 

You let yourself imagine that the lukewarm water on your face was just from the showerhead and not from anywhere else, especially not from your eyes. 

 

(the road of recovery was a long one - with twists and turns and stops - but just not one for you.)

 


End file.
